The “Hedonic Treadmill” is a term coined in 1971, by two psychologists named Brickman and Campbell, who espoused the theory that a person’s level of happiness remains at a set point throughout their lifetime, despite achievements and setbacks. They posited that as a person makes more money through a job, or even a windfall such […]
Thanatophobia is an anxiety triggered by constant thoughts of either one’s own death, or a loved one’s demise. When I was a child, I was left alone a great deal of the time, and I can remember having overwhelming feelings about my death that flowed through me in undulating waves. The emotions were often overpowering, […]
TWE Radio: Author Laurie Burrows Grad On Grief, Widowhood and Recovering from Loss If you would like to sign up for my blogs follow this link: http://lauriegrad.com/newsletter-signup/ My book about grief THE JOKE’S OVER, YOU CAN COME BACK NOW: How This Widow Plowed Through Grief and Survived is finally up on Amazon. It has been […]
People are afraid to use the word “dead.” They refer to death instead as passed away; gone to other pastures; departed; resting in peace; in a better place; and other silly euphemisms and secret code words for finality. Perhaps people are superstitious, and too scared something awful will befall them if they use the word […]
Grief is still a four-letter word in my vocabulary, and one that often rhymes with muck, but I have learned to use grief in a positive way to plow forward on my journey towards a modicum of restoration in my life. I have learned that there is no “normal” way to grieve. Grievers are like […]
When I first became a widow, I was stuck in the wilderness of grief. All the old pathways were destroyed, the signposts were gone, the bridges to happiness had collapsed, and all the roads were dead-ends to nowhere. I had to re-draw the maps and recalibrate my guide to restoration. Recalibration is not an easy […]
When I met and married my soulmate, Peter, over fifty years ago at the age of 23, I knew I had found the person who would cherish me unconditionally in sickness and in health. We met on October 17, 1967. We were engaged two months later and married two months after that. I knew I […]
Resilience is not a protective shield that we put up to prevent us from pain. Resilience allows us to feel the pain, the anger, and the angst, and move through these emotions to get to the other side of grief. Resilience is about marshaling all our resources to find the energy and stamina to make […]
I have come to the point in my journey where friends and family are encouraging me to date. Even I, can finally get my head around the fact that I am ready to start meeting a potential partner. But the thought of jumping into the dating pool is enough to make me curl into a […]
Affirmations are positive thoughts or expressions said with the express purpose of altering your thinking processes. It is a way to “accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and latch on to the affirmative” with thanks to lyricist, Johnny Mercer. When Peter died, I needed to find something encouraging to use as a mantra, to help […]
“Good grief” is a term that I associate with the Peanuts characters, specifically Charlie Brown with his hands above his head yelling through the caption on top of his head! Good grief is an oxymoron. How can grief be a good thing? I researched how this dichotomy of phrase came to be and found that […]
“As the legend goes, when the Phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before.” ― Danielle LaPorte As early as 500 B.C., legends decreed that the ancient mythical creature, the phoenix, a legendary bird, would live for 500 years. Near the end of its life, the phoenix would build a funeral […]
There is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. – Winnie the Pooh Finding strength in grief is no easy task. You are aware that this is probably the worst thing that will befall you, but somehow you find the strength to […]
“There is no such word as ‘loved.’ Love has no past tense. If you ever stop loving someone, then you never truly loved them in the first place.” – unknown Duality is defined as the circumstance or condition of being dual. It is an instance of opposition or contrast between two concepts. It is the […]
“There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”- William Shakespeare After the two-year mark of Peter’s death, I was hit with a profound sadness that I couldn’t overcome. The first year was spent just “getting through” the pain. The second year was struggling to absorb reality and its heartbreaking ramifications. But in […]
There is not a woman alive who would willingly join the club called “widowhood.” It is forced upon us. We are not widows by choosing, but we do have the power of choice. We can set some guidelines and tenets for this club. We are women who loved hard and lost even harder. We are […]
“Nothing endures but change” Heraclitus Everything is predisposed to change. Every aspect of our lives goes through transformation. Nothing is everlasting. All physical and emotional concepts and relationships grow, change, fade, and eventually die. “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, […]
“Humanity must rise above the earth, to the top of the atmosphere and beyond. For only then will we understand the world in which we live.” – Socrates The Overview Effect is a term first coined by space philosopher and author, Frank White, referring to the mental clarity the astronauts felt in space when they […]
Once upon a time there was a pretty-good looking princess named Laurie who serendipitously met her handsome prince charming named Peter. She swooned at his kindness, sense of humor, love of all things edible, excluding veggies, and gorgeous head of hair. He fell in love with her blond tresses even with the peroxide applications, her […]
I recently passed the two-year marker date of Peter’s death, and looked back at my blogs which reflect my roller-coaster-of-a-journey through grief. My writing chronicles the ups and downs (unfortunately more downs that ups), and the slow healing process towards my new life of plausible acceptability. Grief is a long and arduous process. Grief is […]
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” -Benjamin Franklin Worry is defined as “giving way to anxiety or unease.” Worry is allowing one’s mind to dwell on difficulties and misfortunes. It is the state of fretting, stressing out, stewing over something, and tormenting oneself. Simply put, it […]
When you are in the process of grieving a loss of any kind, you must avoid looking ahead into the future. You are so devastated by the loss that you cannot envision the life that might have been. Your future memories with your loved one are over, and you must find your way via the […]
“You must remember this A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things apply As time goes by.” Herman Hupfeld from the movie Casablanca I was always a sigher. I sighed in frustration when I had a glitch with my computer. I sighed happily when I saw love scenes […]
When Peter died, almost two years ago, I openly welcomed all the help I could get. I went to a grief therapist and learned tools for coping with the daily onslaught of bottomless and relentless pain. I learned to find solace in the support of my friends and family, and accepted their cradling arms and […]
“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” ― Anne Frank Our Western values are not culturally equipped for grief. Death is such a taboo that we call it the “D-word,” the way we used to refer to cancer as the “C-word.” By tagging grief as a […]
Every time my husband, Peter and I traveled together, we would settle into our seats on the airplane. As the plane took off, he would lace my much smaller fingers cozily into his sizable digits. As the plane climbed upward, we would grip each other’s hand, sometimes tighter than blood flow allowed, especially if the […]
We think of the word “normal” as conforming to a standard or pattern. Normal is what is expected; SOP (standard operating procedure). “The New Normal” is defined as “a previously unfamiliar or atypical situation that has become standard, usual, or expected.” Once you have experienced the profound loss of a loved one, you are forever […]
“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” ― David Sedaris The terms empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, but they have quite different meanings, and varied and veiled connotations. The differences between the terms are attributed to emotional factors, rather than grammar. Both empathy and sympathy […]
After Peter died, I lost my desire to be creative in the kitchen. I went out to eat a lot, but just didn’t have the chops (insert cringe at pun here) to cook dinner for myself. As a food writer, who concentrated on healthful cooking, it took quite a while for me to enjoy being […]
When you experience grief, you know you are in the throes of it for the long haul. This is not a short sprint. This is a marathon, and like any marathon, you must build up your endurance. You will never fully get over your grief, but hopefully, you will be able to complete your journey […]
“You live but once, you might as well be amusing.” Coco Chanel BPD (Before Peter Died), I took so much of life for granted. It is true that Peter and I lived life fully, enjoying each other, and loving life, but often too busy to take pleasure in our activities and make them more […]
When you are in the depths of grief, you wallow for a while, then you nurture yourself, and then you move forward. But every once in a while, you just have to vent and get that hurricane of pent-up anger to the surface and out! From time to time, you just have to be honest […]
“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed I know that I have absolutely no choice about the path I must walk in grief. I also understand that I do have a choice in how I cope with my […]
“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.” ― Brené Brown There is a Japanese philosophy called wabi sabi, which values simplicity and authenticity. Wabi sabi is an acceptance of the old, of the worn, of the asymmetrical. It is a rejection of the lavish, opulent, and excessive. It is […]
“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.” — Fred Allen It is a given that laughter is the best medicine. When we laugh, we feel a spark of happiness. Not only do we feel better in our guffawing, but research has shown that laughter strengthens our immune […]
“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ― Louise L. Hay Grief is the process of acceptance. Acceptance happens when we let go of expectations. Expectations lead to resentment, which keeps us stuck in self-criticism. Self-criticism keeps us mired in the pain […]
“The Cure for loneliness is solitude” — Marianne Moore Many wrongly assume that solitude and loneliness are the same state of being. Both are characterized by solitariness, but the resemblance ends there. Loneliness in grief, is a form of isolation where one feels that something is missing. Loneliness is not a choice. When my husband Peter died, […]
The Ancient Greeks had two words for time. The first was Kronos (as in the English words chronological or anachronism). We know Kronos as clock time – time that is measurable by seconds, minutes, hours, or years. Kronos time is linear, sequential time, gauged by a calendar, and describes the breadth of the past, present, […]
Grief is filled with expectations of what you should feel, what you shouldn’t feel, what is okay to discuss, and what is taboo to mention. I am sick of all the “shoulds” in life. When Peter, my husband of 47 years, died suddenly 18 months ago, I was hit with a bunch of “shoulds” and […]
In my last blog, I talked about the “Optimism Bias,” which is the belief that each of us is more likely to experience positive outcomes, and less likely to have negative ones transpire. In order to get us through life, we live in an assumptive world, where our assumptions or beliefs that ground and secure […]
Dear Grief, it’s Laurie here. As per your guidance, my current mantra is: “I am responsible for my own process.” I know I can’t rush this undertaking, as is my wont in so many things. Every day I have to exercise my grief muscles in a heavy workout. It’s like lifting twenty pound weights. I […]
The word liminality, is derived from the Latin word limen, meaning threshold. According to dictionary.com: “liminality is the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous, shows obedience and humility, and follows prescribed forms of conduct, dress, etc.” I can identify with liminality […]
Before Peter died I was the planner in the family. I scheduled dinners with couples, I gave parties, and I planned trips. The trips were elaborately arranged down to the minute. We toured museums, visited friends in the East, and were constantly on the go when we traveled. I reveled in planning. I enjoyed mapping […]
Peter was a fresser, a Yiddish term for someone who loves to eat! Our lives joyously revolved around food. In the morning Peter would say, “what’s for dinner?” If it was fish, the corners of his mouth would instantly go south. If it was steak, his face would erupt into a huge grin. Once Peter […]
“He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began.” — Leo Tolstoy The term “soulmate” dates all the way back to Plato. It is a generic word for a close loved one. But the phrase soulmate itself was first recorded in […]
This blog today is written by my amazing son Nick Grad, in tribute to his father. Nick watched as grief suffused me, and felt it was important to express his own profound sadness. This essay rocked my soul so much that I had to share it today: THE AUTUMN WIND: BY Nick Grad I have […]
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela I cannot believe that this is the 50th blog I have written on The Huffington Post! A year and four […]
I’ve always wondered why people use the term “feeling blue” when they are sad. The color that clouded my horizons after Peter died was most certainly gray, not blue. I felt I was in a bad British mystery movie, in the midst of a gray, hazy, dense fog and I couldn’t find my way through […]
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” — Marcel Proust After the recent election, many in our country are experiencing deep grief. They are discovering that they must learn to understand grief and accept its power, in order to move forward. The word grievous is derived from the word […]
Touch is the first sense to develop in human infants. A newborn’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being depend on a mother’s tender touch. Doctor’s insist on the baby being placed on the mother so it can sense the heartbeat. The mother cradles her infant surrounding them with the touch of her arms. Touch is nourishment […]
On election eve, I was amidst a group of politically like-minded souls, watching television in anticipation of seeing the first woman break the glass ceiling of the top job in the United States. Not only were we wrong, we were dumbfounded. We were blindsided. We were in shock. I watched as mouths dropped open and […]
When Peter died my friends were truly amazing. I have blogged over and over about their kindnesses. I am eminently grateful that my pals not only rallied, but didn’t abandon me when the going got tough. When you lose the love of your life, you become another entity. You are 180 degrees different from the […]
After Peter died, with the help of Amazon Prime, I immersed myself in reading book after book about grief. Books about grief can be valuable tools that provide validation for those experiencing a loss. As we study the ways people react to loss, we see our own reactions reflected by others, which reassures us that […]
My path to restoration is paved with family, friendships, and the healing power of my grief group. In the safety of my group space, we get each other’s pain on a level that is forged by our devastating loss. We are bonded in yearning and lamentation on a deep level that is both distressing but […]
A few months after Peter died, I attended an open meditation class in a large auditorium which proved to be a complete disaster. I wrote about it in a blog which described my abysmal foray into the world of meditation, complete with sobbing, used wet tissues, puffy red eyes, and a firm resolve that I […]
I am a food writer by trade. I shaped my culinary career path in my mid-20s. During and after college I had been working as a model in Manhattan doing live shows, photography, and catalogue work, but was totally unfulfilled. After a four-year college education, I knew that I needed to use my brain, not […]
As I go through the process of grief, I know that I have to recalibrate my reality. I have to find a new attitude to get me through this demanding journey. I have to take charge of my grief and become a survivor, not a victim. After Peter died I wanted to rant at the […]
I love my friends. They are forever asking me out to dinner and always insist on treating. Yes, I have very kind, and mega-generous friends. They never make me feel that I am a third or fifth or even seventh wheel. When we double or triple dated as couples, both Peter and I were part […]
Ever since I marked the anniversary of Peter’s death, I have been in a funk. It didn’t help that a chair had the audacity to run into me and break my toe. Ok, truth be told, I ran into a chair rushing to answer a phone. I know, I know, I shouldn’t run for a […]
After 47 years of marriage, traveling with Peter was a no-brainer. We had our routine down pat. He got the tickets online. I planned the rest. We’re not talking a great division of labor here, but it worked for us. I mapped out lunches, dinners, and walks while Peter begged for nap times. Our favorite […]
I recently discovered the teachings of Victor Frankl, a trained psychiatrist and neurologist, who spent three years in four Nazi concentration camps, an experience that helped him develop Logotherapy. Logotherapy is a term derived from the words “logos,” a Greek word that translates as “meaning,” and therapy, which is defined as treatment of a condition, illness, […]
Sorry widowers, this one’s for the ladies. When Peter died, I had to face the practical aspects of living alone. I had to change light bulbs, hang pictures and open jars by myself. So I devised a list of key items for widows to keep on hand to make their lives easier. 1. A secure step ladder: A […]
On Monday, Aug. 1, one year to the day after Peter died, I fortified my psyche with specific plans, so that I wouldn’t be surprised by my volatile emotions. I scheduled a long walk with a girlfriend, a lunch at the beach with two friends, and dinner with my son and daughter-in-law at night. I […]
The other day I was staring out the window and saw the most beautiful butterfly flapping its wings and circling the flowers. While watching it flutter, I instantly felt a shared camaraderie with this majestic creature. My journey of grief parallels the butterfly’s metamorphosis on so many levels. I identified with the transformation process and […]
I am approaching the one-year anniversary of my husband Peter’s death and I am trying to figure out why this date has such power over me. Anniversary dates should hold no more power over us than we are willing to cede to them. Sure, I am dreading this day but I know I will face […]
A few weekends ago, I was vacationing with my son Nick, daughter-in-law Carolyn, the grandkids, Lucas aged 13 and Georgia aged 9, and their adorable rescue dog Simon, in Santa Barbara. I thoroughly relished my time being with my sweet family but, it had been a particularly tough day for me emotionally. Peter and I […]
As I near the first anniversary of Peter’s death, I feel like I am a horse, (I envision a blonde statuesque, filly, in keeping with my practice of being good to myself), racing towards the finish line of the longest, and the shortest, race ever. It has been a nightmare of a challenge with me […]
About six months ago my dear friend Carrie showed me her tattoos. I was amazed. Never in a million years would I have considered ink on my bod. But I was more than intrigued. I was in awe of how cool it looked and how proud she was of her war paint. I sat with […]
On a recent trip to New York, I was fortunate to meet with Dr. Katherine Shear, Marion E. Kenworthy Professor of Psychiatry at the Columbia University School of Social Work. Dr. Shear works with those affected by complicated grief, which is defined by the Complicated Grief Center as: “something getting in the way of adapting […]
My blogs reflect the pain of my journey through grief since the death of my husband last August. I cry, I meditate, but I also try to be positive. I decided to write a blog about the plus side of being solo. It won’t take the pain away but it is a positive step on […]
My husband Peter and I both attended the University of Pennsylvania in the sixties. He was a BMOC (big man on campus) who ended up taking an extra year “time out” to regroup. Therefore, while I was a freshman, he was a senior. I knew all about him and his escapades at Penn. Peter was […]
“Where words fail, music speaks.” — Hans Christian Andersen Why is it when I hear a song about loss I am reduced to nonstop crying? If I hear James Taylor’s song Fire and Rain, I hit the floor in a mess of tissues and heaving sobs. If I hear a song from A Chorus Line, […]
“One’s not half of two; two are halves of one.” — E.E. Cummings The definition of the word couple is: “two persons married, engaged, or otherwise romantically paired.” After 47 years of marriage Peter and I would joyfully declare: “we were one.” I gave Peter a key chain which he kept his whole life with […]
When my husband Peter died last August, I suffered the greatest ordeal imaginable. I had a deep and intense loss, but I definitely didn’t “lose” him. I, myself, am guilty of using the term “lose” on multiple occasions. I repeatedly said: “I recently lost my husband” to friends, accountants, tax people and even telemarketers. One […]
It has been nine months since Peter died and I am astounded that time has flown by so quickly. On the flip side, when I think of the time I have spent mucking through the process of grief, it seems like an eternity. This is where “time heals all wounds” gets tossed out the window. […]
Stress is a constant in most of our busy lives. We are stressed about work, family, money, Donald Trump … Everything in our lives comes with a degree of stress. In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe studied the medical records of 5,000 patients as a way to figure out how stressful events impact […]
Just after my husband Peter died, my accountant warned me about being scammed. I thought I was pretty smart about this and assured him, and the estate attorney, I would not be conned into signing anything without checking with an advisor. But then, things began to happen. I got a note in the mail that […]
For the past few months I have received an email of my “daily memory updates” on Facebook. Every time the email came in I would quickly delete it because there would be a picture of Peter and me traveling, or with the family. Suddenly I realized I could stop the daily pictures and reminders, which […]
In the movie Her, Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with his computer operating system, a breathy woman called Samantha, portrayed by Scarlett Johansson. I never got the concept until Peter died. Peter and I were the kind of couple who needed to share all day long. It was what helped us make it to 47 […]
At least once a day I look for Peter. I look when I put my key in the lock and open the front door. I look when I have gotten into bed and wait for him to slip under the covers beside me. I look when I go downstairs to his office. I look when […]
I hate getting a cold. It only happens a few times a year but when I do, it goes right to my nose and I can’t smell or taste. As a foodie, my sense of smell and taste are my greatest pleasures. When I can’t taste, I don’t eat, and that is not a good […]
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief — But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” — Hilary Stanton Zunin After Peter died I read book after book about grief. It appears that there is blueprint, rigidly entrenched in […]
When I was a teenager I would look forward to the coming school year with new books, pencils, erasers, and the whole schmear. I would go to class, write in my new books, but when I had one mistake, it was over. I was the best little girl in the world and had to be […]
In the six months since Peter died, I have been eating out much of the time. Ever since I wrote “Demoted to Lunch,” my friends listened and began treating me to dinners nonstop. Now that things have quieted down, I seem to have more time at home in the evenings and my dinners are downright […]
Tiredness won’t come. No matter how much I run around during the day, I don’t get drowsy. I exercise daily just so I can have the luxury of fatigue. I go out at night with friends to delay getting into bed. I eye the clock as I watch TV. After 11 p.m. I reasonably turn […]
It is over five months since my sweet husband Peter died and I am beginning to find a modicum of normalcy. My dinner dates have slowed down but my lunch plans are still going. Yes, I am “demoted to lunch” a bit, although I don’t blame my friends, it is more on my part, since […]
Shonda Rimes has a wonderful new book called “A Year of Yes”, where she talks about being fearless enough to answer yes to new adventures. The loss of my sweet husband Peter has forced me to create my own opposite book — “A Year of No.” I have learned that in my journey of grief […]
I have chosen to stay with the first grief therapist I tried. She is calming and nurturing and taking me on a journey of relaxation, if that is indeed possible for my Type-A personality. Another grief counselor talked so low (hushed tones are de rigueur in the profession), I couldn’t hear a word. I asked […]
I admit to openly crying at movies and have even been known to cry at a commercial that includes a puppy. But I had no idea that I had so many tears in my body. I have cried so much since my sweet Peter died that I altered my vision and even improved my astigmatism! […]
Since losing my husband earlier this year, I have become closer online with other widows. Old friends from my New York days and several friends in Los Angeles have been an unexpected comfort. They have known the pain, and by their example, I see a glimmer of light. I receive comments like “Thank you for […]
I am steeling myself against the upcoming holidays, the first since the loss of my husband. Each milestone is a weight that I carry. I feel like Sisyphus in Greek mythology being punished and forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only to watch it roll down for all eternity. Those are the […]
It’s been over three months since my husband Peter died. It truly irks me when people preach, “He’s in a better place.” I want to scream, “No he’s not! He should be sleeping beside me. That is a better place.” I can think of a lot better places — like Cabo in the winter, Maine […]
It’s been three months since I lost my husband and people chirp at me that I am “out and about and doing so well.” In their minds it seems to be a positive. In truth, I might smile, I might laugh, but inside, I am woefully unhappy. I am doing “well” on the outside but […]
Being suddenly widowed brings on a bunch of unforeseen practical things you can’t do by yourself. In between bouts of tears there are moments when I get dressed up and go out. My first blog Demoted to Lunch resonated with friends and I am now booked for a month with dinner and lunch plans. The […]
My first blog went up on Huffington Post this morning. The outpouring of emotion is heartening and heartbreaking at the same time. The sadness hits again with a vengeance and I see you staring at me with those wonderful understanding eyes, so proud of everything I do. But where were you for the edits? Where […]
One month ago, Peter, my husband of 47 years, died of a heart attack. When I married him at the age of 23, I knew I had found the person who would cherish me unconditionally in sickness and in health. We met on October 17, 1967. I was wearing a rabbit mini-skirt and go-go boots. […]